Stuck in a rut

Dear Friend,

Thank you for taking time to listen to me. 

I have been stuck in my own internet torment the last few weeks, and its gnawing my insides away. 

I am feeling angry, frustrated, stressed, annoying, anxious, and sad.

I have a theory. I think a lot of my own inner angst comes from the utter lack of confidence in myself. I can't seem to please myself in whatever I do. 

When I run, I am not running fast enough. I focus on being overtaken, on how fit others are, and how comparably unfit I am. 

When I dress, I think about how poorly I dress, that the clothes I own are not good enough for me, that I look fat, that I am not stylish enough.

At work, I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, that I need to work harder, that I won't have a job in the future, that I won't be able to finish my thesis.

When I play piano, or when I hear others play, I feel jealous that I haven't practiced enough, that I am not talented enough.

And to hammer the nail into the coffin, when I feel lonely, I feel completely hopeless, that no one likes me, no one is attracted to me, that I don't have the perfect 6-pack body that every other man on earth seems to have, that I'm going to grow old alone.

It doesn't take much to realise that it is me that is being so critical to myself. 

How did this negativity overtake my life? My thoughts, my being?

To the extent that I'm in my so-called holidays, and I can't seem to enjoy it at all? And all I want to do is sleep? 

The logical side of me says its time to see someone about this, however my pride is unwilling to accept this now.

And the worst part is - I have friends, psychologists, doctors, or pure friends, that I should be able to talk to about all this. But I can't. I am afraid they'll judge me. Not judge, but I'm afraid they'll tell me to see someone, affirm the conclusion that the logical side of me has already made. I want to ask for help, but I don't want to be that person that just seeks help under the tables, like those that asks for backhanded advise from me. 

Which makes me feel utterly alone, in that I don't now how to express these feelings and thoughts anymore. 

I want to be a positive person, I really do. I hate being like this, and I hate all these judgements I make about myself. 

Most of all, I hate that it seems like I'm exhibiting behaviours like my father that I hate. 

How did I end up here?

How do I get outta here?

Yours sincerely,

Jeff