Rekindling my blog

It has been a terribly hard day for both Roderick and me. 

Neither of us slept much last night. Roderick was up from around 4 am and then from then on it was a struggle. It is so hard to watch him struggle through these overwhelming panic-like attacks, feeling helpless and being unable to help. It's hard knowing that there are pills in the drawer next to me that can provide some relief, but it doesn't take it away and it has made things worse in the past. Especially as Roderick doesn't want any medications in the first place.

However my main thought today is how these events really made me look around me and realise who your friends are. Pete offered to call us today to chat for support and it really helped both me and Roderick a lot. He helped instil confidence in the Psychiatrist that we are seeing, and he helped provide an understanding ear to Roderick's experiences. It also made me acutely aware of how much of a family my work colleagues have been, despite our day-to-day interactions. I am very lucky to be in this situation. 

Comparatively, I am disheartened by the lack of empathy, especially from one particular friend. And especially so as I thought that person was a close friend respond so callously about my lack of contact, and minimal show of care or support even after we said we are not having the easiest time. I guess my expectations were too high. It really does make you reevaluate your relationships around you, and also look at the struggles of people living with mental health issues in a new light.

It also made me reflect on my childhood, of what mum had to go through, the times I was in the hospital with mum as she writhed in pain on the bed, and the times where she was dependent on me after her accident, the times she had an operation. Those were scary times, and she needed someone on her life whom she never had. It made me realise that recent events, in fact, remind me of those times and this is why it feels all somewhat familiar. This really revealed how scared she was, how much it took out of her to be the "strong one" in the family, to be the one in control, and to give up control. 

So, today, I tried to convince Roderick to start blogging as a way to release his overwhelming emotions into the ether, and it reminded me about how therapeutic it was all those years I did this. Just finding some time to type, to enter my thoughts into the blog, to work things out. I remembered the overwhelming feelings that I used to have when I was a teenager, especially around the time I came out to Stanley, and how this was my escape, my place where I can say all these (stupid) things, especially those negative comments about myself, without annoying other people. The fact that I am able to release these thoughts onto paper is a therapeutic act in itself. I remember the fun I used to have coming up with ideas to post in this blog, pictures to post in the blog, stories to write. I miss that creativity, the excitement of rushing out of the shower to type out my idea. I think I need this outlet again after I deleted my instagram. And it is even better now as this is now semi-private again, as no one blogs anymore and certainly no one is reading my blog now! 

So I hope that covers it all. 

I might as well use this as my gratitude journal.

I am grateful that I have such caring and supportive colleagues like Pete and Michele.

I am grateful that Roderick made an effort to view all 4 properties with me today.

I am grateful that Roderick is still fighting so hard against all the things that is dragging him down.

I am grateful that Linnea is able to help Roderick a lot and keep him company.