MY day
Really unproductive day today. I got up at 710 to make it to hospital by 9am, but I snoozed till 815 and by the time i got ready ( i got distracted by transient internet connection at home) it was like 910 and i missed da bus so i didn't get on the bus until 935 and made it to the hospital by 10am. Then i looked ard from my team, and then went to find the echo technician (who was less friendly than i thought, but then he's stressed i think) who said he was too busy till nxt wk to teach me anything cos most of the staff has gone to perth - so I paged my resident and met them. That's after going for a walk ard in ED to see if they are there...
Then saw consults with my reg all day, he bought me coffee, then had lunch, then i was gona go to clinic in the afternoon but then i met my resident who was doing nothing so we sat ard, finally decided to go to the cafe to have some hot chocolate and then she got paged to do other stuff. So then i decided to bugger off b4 my reg finds me (cos i told him i'm going to clinic) and here I am. Hmm...
The internal conflict with regards to work that i'm struggling with:
1. This is my 2nd last yr as a student, i need to learn as much as possible.
2. This is my probably only time as a student in cardiology, where i can watch and participate in procedures and watch things and be stupid and its ok
3. This is a good chance to try to get to know the pple up there and make those "connections"
4. I shud use this chance to be familiar with all the cardiac conditions and know it well - things like managing MIs, AF, CHF (which is about all I ever see), along with some other arrhythmia.
Versus:
1. This is my 2nd time in australia, 1st time here for such a long period, things are new to me, i wana explore
2. Sydney is so fun!! I wana go there more and do more shopping
3. THe weather outside is sooo nice- i wana stay out in the sun more and not get cooped up in the dark hospital (depressing place if i allow myself to think too much)
4. I'm lazy 0 dun wana get out of bed, and my weekends to syd are tiring so i'm recovering (excuses galore)
5. More realisticaly, i wana take time off to study other things and practice examinations (motivation lacking tho)
So this constant conflict abt what i wana do... i mean i have my whole life to spend in hospitals i guess - but...
1. i'm so bad at making good impressions - I think the prof, my supervisor, is not impressed with me at all. Like today I said hi to him and he just smiled at me, didn't greet or anything. He asked me to do a project at the beginning and come up with sometihng myself but i'm like....done nothing and i'm not intending to do anything. So there goes my making a good impression.
2. I need to get over the embarrassment of approaching other pple - like today when i try to approach the echo techinician. I duno why, i'm not nervous that much when i approach patients i guess - but that feeling of "troubling" pple really bugs me.
I really hate the feeling that i'm a bother to pple. THat pple find me annoying.
In other words, I wana be liked. I want pple to be happy with me, and i can't stand it when someone is not happy with me. And that I'm not liked feeling really kills me sometimes.
Yea, i realise this is just a side effect of the low self-esteem/confidence thing.
It sounds very teenager-ish - but how do i get over it?
Yea, i'm trying hard to be myself. But finding the real me and having the courage to express it the way i want are totally different things.
And i'm constantly plagued by wanting to change myself. A friend once asked me - why am i so obsessed with wanting to change myself? Why am i not happy with the way i am?
I can think of many superficial reasons why i wan to change myself.
MAny of it, again relate to self confidence. Like this other friend, I believe that losing weight will help me have more confidence in myself. And i fully believe that too. So that's 1 way i'm trying to change myself.
Sometimes I wana be more socialable - but i can't be bothered sometimes.
I wana meet more pple - but i'm too scared to reach out and talk and open myself cos i am too preoccupied with thoughts that they won't like me.
I am too scared that pple will like to me, cheat me, and laugh at me.
Sometimes its like i've worked so hard in my life - just so I can fit in and pple won't laugh or point fingers at me. Jus so i can just be one of the guys.
Just like i've been discussing with thomas - adult like, business life, working life. THey are all about impressing people. HAving connection. About who you know. And how do you achieve that? By the way you hold youself/talk/how hard you work. But as both me and thomas agreed on, you mouth probably is twice as important as hardwork. And trust me, i hate those pple with sleek mouths. Although i'm not aiming to be one, i want to try to attain that ability so i can use it back on those pple with sleek mouths. And yea, of course the superficial things that comes along with a sleek mouth.
I find it very hard to connect with these consultants. Not just here, but in NZ too. Duno abt taiwan...i was too naive back then...
Is it just the cultural difference? Not really i dun think - other asians have achieved it.
So its me that's the matter - but i duno why exactly. And i think it has to do with the things i have discussed above.
Many friends I have are so welladjusted and "onto it"...I'm so proud of those friends but yet I feel at a loss of how to even work towards that.
Guess studying hard is my 1st step eh? Get over these stupid exams.
*Savouring life when its still simple....*
Was gonna talk abt sydney - see nxt blog =)
Then saw consults with my reg all day, he bought me coffee, then had lunch, then i was gona go to clinic in the afternoon but then i met my resident who was doing nothing so we sat ard, finally decided to go to the cafe to have some hot chocolate and then she got paged to do other stuff. So then i decided to bugger off b4 my reg finds me (cos i told him i'm going to clinic) and here I am. Hmm...
The internal conflict with regards to work that i'm struggling with:
1. This is my 2nd last yr as a student, i need to learn as much as possible.
2. This is my probably only time as a student in cardiology, where i can watch and participate in procedures and watch things and be stupid and its ok
3. This is a good chance to try to get to know the pple up there and make those "connections"
4. I shud use this chance to be familiar with all the cardiac conditions and know it well - things like managing MIs, AF, CHF (which is about all I ever see), along with some other arrhythmia.
Versus:
1. This is my 2nd time in australia, 1st time here for such a long period, things are new to me, i wana explore
2. Sydney is so fun!! I wana go there more and do more shopping
3. THe weather outside is sooo nice- i wana stay out in the sun more and not get cooped up in the dark hospital (depressing place if i allow myself to think too much)
4. I'm lazy 0 dun wana get out of bed, and my weekends to syd are tiring so i'm recovering (excuses galore)
5. More realisticaly, i wana take time off to study other things and practice examinations (motivation lacking tho)
So this constant conflict abt what i wana do... i mean i have my whole life to spend in hospitals i guess - but...
1. i'm so bad at making good impressions - I think the prof, my supervisor, is not impressed with me at all. Like today I said hi to him and he just smiled at me, didn't greet or anything. He asked me to do a project at the beginning and come up with sometihng myself but i'm like....done nothing and i'm not intending to do anything. So there goes my making a good impression.
2. I need to get over the embarrassment of approaching other pple - like today when i try to approach the echo techinician. I duno why, i'm not nervous that much when i approach patients i guess - but that feeling of "troubling" pple really bugs me.
I really hate the feeling that i'm a bother to pple. THat pple find me annoying.
In other words, I wana be liked. I want pple to be happy with me, and i can't stand it when someone is not happy with me. And that I'm not liked feeling really kills me sometimes.
Yea, i realise this is just a side effect of the low self-esteem/confidence thing.
It sounds very teenager-ish - but how do i get over it?
Yea, i'm trying hard to be myself. But finding the real me and having the courage to express it the way i want are totally different things.
And i'm constantly plagued by wanting to change myself. A friend once asked me - why am i so obsessed with wanting to change myself? Why am i not happy with the way i am?
I can think of many superficial reasons why i wan to change myself.
MAny of it, again relate to self confidence. Like this other friend, I believe that losing weight will help me have more confidence in myself. And i fully believe that too. So that's 1 way i'm trying to change myself.
Sometimes I wana be more socialable - but i can't be bothered sometimes.
I wana meet more pple - but i'm too scared to reach out and talk and open myself cos i am too preoccupied with thoughts that they won't like me.
I am too scared that pple will like to me, cheat me, and laugh at me.
Sometimes its like i've worked so hard in my life - just so I can fit in and pple won't laugh or point fingers at me. Jus so i can just be one of the guys.
Just like i've been discussing with thomas - adult like, business life, working life. THey are all about impressing people. HAving connection. About who you know. And how do you achieve that? By the way you hold youself/talk/how hard you work. But as both me and thomas agreed on, you mouth probably is twice as important as hardwork. And trust me, i hate those pple with sleek mouths. Although i'm not aiming to be one, i want to try to attain that ability so i can use it back on those pple with sleek mouths. And yea, of course the superficial things that comes along with a sleek mouth.
I find it very hard to connect with these consultants. Not just here, but in NZ too. Duno abt taiwan...i was too naive back then...
Is it just the cultural difference? Not really i dun think - other asians have achieved it.
So its me that's the matter - but i duno why exactly. And i think it has to do with the things i have discussed above.
Many friends I have are so welladjusted and "onto it"...I'm so proud of those friends but yet I feel at a loss of how to even work towards that.
Guess studying hard is my 1st step eh? Get over these stupid exams.
*Savouring life when its still simple....*
Was gonna talk abt sydney - see nxt blog =)
Comments
Post a Comment