Choose

Imagine if candles represent different parts of us :-

one candle for life
one candle for energy
one candle for love
one candle for hate
one candle for luck
one candle for misfortune
one candle for wealth
one candle for family

...and so on. I'm sure you get the idea.

I feel like a few of those candles have died out.
Especially the candles for social interaction, whatever it is called.
I just ... don't have the mojo or interest or energy to be a social person anymore.

Its not that i don't want to...

Something just doesn't seem...right.

I have to try so hard, and it just doesn't feel right.
I have caught myself so many times during social situations trying to squeeze out conversation, trying to fill in the silence, trying to get involved in conversations, trying to not bore people to death, trying to understand the jokes, trying ...

Thats takes the fun out of it ya?

Its like being social has become a chore for me. Its something i think i shud do becos its expected of me and because i think its "good" for me. And i have to put effort into doing it.

That's so sad.

Where's the times that conversation can just flow naturally
that laughter is not created
that i am not looking forward to the end of the social interaction
that i dont' have to feel ackward when i have nothign to say
when i look forward to interacting with other pple again??

And you know what the saddest thing is? when i'm all alone i wish i have people to interact with....

What is this? Which part of my brain have i killed? What am i missing? What have i done?

How can i fix this?

How do i not be scared of people again?

How do i not be scared of being hurt by people again?

And what is it that people do that hurts me?

Its like i'm scared of every relationship, doesn't matter what they are...

I'm scared of relationships full stop.

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Sometimes pple express amazement that I have been blogging for a while now.
And every once in a while i get reminded of why blogging is so important to me.

Once again, i've discovered that blogging is a much better way of releasing what i need to say.
Because i don't need to explain to anyone about how i feel, what i think.

I just need to explain it to myself, and most of the time, its much easier than trying to make other pple understand my point of view. And why i want to talk about it.

With that aspect, i've also learnt that, as a friend was telling me over msn, i shud really think about who i disclose my thoughts to.

There was a stage where i thought i shud be open about my thoughts/feelings and express them when i see appropriate, to my friends if they are willing to listen.

But yes, friend, you are right. I shud really choose people whom i talk to.

Its not just the negative outcomes such as gossiping and being judgemental etc - those pple are already screened out by my radar.

But...

I probably do this often ...
but i'm sure u must have noticed at times - but when you try to speak to the doctor about e.g. your back pain

but the doctor ignores it and starts asking you about your sore throat and every other thing except for your back pain.

And then maybe the doctor starts telling you that your back pain is insignificant and instead you get lectured on for not eating the right diet or something or rather...

Its the same when i try to speak to people at times.

Not only do the point i'm tryin to say get missed.

But other issues come up instead.

And you know what

I just can't be stuffed trying to let those pple understand what i'm trying to say.

And to tell the truth, i don't think pple like that wud care about what i'm trying to say anyway.

Therefore, i need to choose carefully people i shud speak to.