Mess
I feel as high as the sky
I feel as lower than the ground.
I want to stay here forever
And yet I feel i don't belong.
I want to just sit back, enjoy the ride and treasure it.
And yet i'm exactly the type of person that picks up little pebbles and ponder over their significance, and carrying it ard like luggage.
Who wants to be with a person which such a stupid emotional baggage?
I want to suppress it all, i want to forget it, i want to enjoy things while it lasts.
Yesterday we made arrangements to leave TYCS forever on Saturday.
My last wk already at this hostel.
I can't help but compare the life here and my usual life.
I meet pple here that i'd only dream i'd meet back home.
I do things here that i'd only imagined that i would do back home (well, i havn't done all of them as of now but i will be)
At the moment, things are perfect.
I live with a group of people, and people with different interests.
If i want to travel and go sightseeing, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to relax on the beach, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to have a chilled beer and talk shit, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to get drunk and wasted and do stupid things, there'll b ppl willing to
If i want to play pool and go out for a nice meal, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to go supermarket shopping and do random shopping, there'll b pple willing to.
If i want to have a chat abt computer games, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to talk abt deep shit and try to create world peace, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to learn a new culture and new languages, there'll b pple willing to teach me
If i want to go for a run ard town or ard the beach, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to play cards, there'll b ppl willing to
Its the company that i get, and good company as such too.
And all of the above, back home, i'd most likely b doing alone. cos the pple that i have
don't like beer
don't like running
don't have time to chill and play pool
don't go supermarket shopping together
think computer games are geeky and don't play cards
Don't have new languages to teach me, new cultures to share
Don't have time and money to even explore the country we are living in
Here, its like we are living a life together - trying to live the tanzanian life
There, we live our own lives.
The next thing that came crumbling down is my self confidence. I was so engrossed in living a new life here i didn't even notice it slipping away.
Yes i know i'm clumsy. I know i'm slow. And yet i hate it that i'm slow. It reminds me of the way my father is and while we always laughed at him for being slow, i hate to be the same. I hate to take after him in any way. It is my absolute nightmare.
And yet, i made fool of myself. I can't shuffle cards for shit. I can't play pool. I can't even do anything properly in hospital cos i don't speak swahili. I can't perform magic tricks. I can't suture. I can't remember my anatomy. I can't dance. I can't ........
And the frustrating is how it seems that everyone else is able to. Despite their busy lifes and full schedules.
I disappoint myself. And I hate it as well when i become all self depreciating like this. I just can't seem to do anything right.
Love.
I think i'm one of those pathological pple that falls for the wrong pple. Wanting the impossible, creating a fantasy world, wanting to merge fantasy and reality. Wanting things that will never work out in real life, things that will never happen.
And yet i hope beyond hope that it will happen?
Its stupid that i can literally put everything i have on the line if i let myself. Or i would at least consider it before i would hold back.
Good thing this kinda thing doesnt happen too often. But when it does it kills me inside. Cos i know that i like the wrong ppl. And yet when i'm not liking anyone i spend my time dreaming of liking the wrong pple. Yes, that is fantasy. But when something real that resembles fantasy comes around, I mould that reality into a fantasy like imagination in my head that blinds me from seeing what the factual reality is until it is too late.
When my eyes function again, i'm already waist deep in shit.
Sinking fast
So fast that you can dump shit on me and i won't even notice. I'd think you were throwing a rope to pull me up and thank you.
That's how pathological i can be. Because i want to stay in shit and waddle in it. Cos i hallucinate and i think shit is good. Shit is what i need. I've always been trying to find shit in my life.
And right now, all i want to do is to continue taking more shit and spend more time with shit and take shit home with me.
...................
So, its the last week here. At the hostel, with the group of pple. Afterwhich there's 1 wk at the safari, i'll return here for 3 more days - but i most likely won't be a t TYCS anymore. And then i'm gone, gone from here...
Life will move on, Pple will move on, things will change, and never be the same again.
All i want to do is to spend more time here. To enjoy it here. But, i can't.
Cos i know
I don't belong
Here in Heaven.........
Tears in Heaven
Eric Clapton
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please (instrumental)
Beyond the door
There's peace
I'm sure. And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
I feel as lower than the ground.
I want to stay here forever
And yet I feel i don't belong.
I want to just sit back, enjoy the ride and treasure it.
And yet i'm exactly the type of person that picks up little pebbles and ponder over their significance, and carrying it ard like luggage.
Who wants to be with a person which such a stupid emotional baggage?
I want to suppress it all, i want to forget it, i want to enjoy things while it lasts.
Yesterday we made arrangements to leave TYCS forever on Saturday.
My last wk already at this hostel.
I can't help but compare the life here and my usual life.
I meet pple here that i'd only dream i'd meet back home.
I do things here that i'd only imagined that i would do back home (well, i havn't done all of them as of now but i will be)
At the moment, things are perfect.
I live with a group of people, and people with different interests.
If i want to travel and go sightseeing, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to relax on the beach, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to have a chilled beer and talk shit, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to get drunk and wasted and do stupid things, there'll b ppl willing to
If i want to play pool and go out for a nice meal, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to go supermarket shopping and do random shopping, there'll b pple willing to.
If i want to have a chat abt computer games, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to talk abt deep shit and try to create world peace, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to learn a new culture and new languages, there'll b pple willing to teach me
If i want to go for a run ard town or ard the beach, there'll b pple willing to
If i want to play cards, there'll b ppl willing to
Its the company that i get, and good company as such too.
And all of the above, back home, i'd most likely b doing alone. cos the pple that i have
don't like beer
don't like running
don't have time to chill and play pool
don't go supermarket shopping together
think computer games are geeky and don't play cards
Don't have new languages to teach me, new cultures to share
Don't have time and money to even explore the country we are living in
Here, its like we are living a life together - trying to live the tanzanian life
There, we live our own lives.
The next thing that came crumbling down is my self confidence. I was so engrossed in living a new life here i didn't even notice it slipping away.
Yes i know i'm clumsy. I know i'm slow. And yet i hate it that i'm slow. It reminds me of the way my father is and while we always laughed at him for being slow, i hate to be the same. I hate to take after him in any way. It is my absolute nightmare.
And yet, i made fool of myself. I can't shuffle cards for shit. I can't play pool. I can't even do anything properly in hospital cos i don't speak swahili. I can't perform magic tricks. I can't suture. I can't remember my anatomy. I can't dance. I can't ........
And the frustrating is how it seems that everyone else is able to. Despite their busy lifes and full schedules.
I disappoint myself. And I hate it as well when i become all self depreciating like this. I just can't seem to do anything right.
Love.
I think i'm one of those pathological pple that falls for the wrong pple. Wanting the impossible, creating a fantasy world, wanting to merge fantasy and reality. Wanting things that will never work out in real life, things that will never happen.
And yet i hope beyond hope that it will happen?
Its stupid that i can literally put everything i have on the line if i let myself. Or i would at least consider it before i would hold back.
Good thing this kinda thing doesnt happen too often. But when it does it kills me inside. Cos i know that i like the wrong ppl. And yet when i'm not liking anyone i spend my time dreaming of liking the wrong pple. Yes, that is fantasy. But when something real that resembles fantasy comes around, I mould that reality into a fantasy like imagination in my head that blinds me from seeing what the factual reality is until it is too late.
When my eyes function again, i'm already waist deep in shit.
Sinking fast
So fast that you can dump shit on me and i won't even notice. I'd think you were throwing a rope to pull me up and thank you.
That's how pathological i can be. Because i want to stay in shit and waddle in it. Cos i hallucinate and i think shit is good. Shit is what i need. I've always been trying to find shit in my life.
And right now, all i want to do is to continue taking more shit and spend more time with shit and take shit home with me.
...................
So, its the last week here. At the hostel, with the group of pple. Afterwhich there's 1 wk at the safari, i'll return here for 3 more days - but i most likely won't be a t TYCS anymore. And then i'm gone, gone from here...
Life will move on, Pple will move on, things will change, and never be the same again.
All i want to do is to spend more time here. To enjoy it here. But, i can't.
Cos i know
I don't belong
Here in Heaven.........
===================================================
Tears in Heaven
Eric Clapton
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please (instrumental)
Beyond the door
There's peace
I'm sure. And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
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