Hide and Seek?
Yea, I havnt' been as diligent in blogging lately. Lots of excuses etc, mostly cos my laptop was contaminated with this really annoying popup virus thingee and i coudlnt' use it, also cos i always seem to be doing random things now - am really disorganised rite now and is not in the mood to become more organised and time efficient!! Work piling up on me and i'm still procrastinating. I'm the type that shrinks into a ball when stress hits me u know? Rite now i just feel like going on holidays again...ah...weekends r so nice!
Recently, i think i'm starting to become like my other friend. Somehow feeling more withdrawn. Not enjoying social interactions all that much now. Time alone at home is quite...therapeutic. Well not really. But i "enjoy" the freedom. The loneliness, in a good way. Enjoy the peace of having the whole house to myself, doing exactly what i want at anytime. Maybe because its kinda fresh to me cos i m not usually alone at home that much.
Kinda set me tihnking cos i just got off the phone wif a fren just now. He's home alone too - and i was jus thinking - would i rather invite him over to dinner/go to his place to eat wif him...or stay home for dinner? If i cooked extra food would i invite other frens over? I dun think i will - i think i prefer to cook lots of food and all for myself - i'll just eat it over a few days! Cos i eat anytihng, and if food tastes ok i dun complain. I guess u can say that when eating wif other pple is nice - well it is - but i somehow seem to find solace in the solitude. I tihnk i'm hiding from somethhing.
Lets expand on that. Rite now i have this feeling that if i spend time by myself at home for the whole day, its wasted. I waste the day not enjoying the nice weather and sun outside, not interacting wif pple, not seeing the outside world, not keeping up with the play. Yet there's endless things i can do at home. Like vacuuming, sorting out my comptuer stuff, study, cleaning, even down to washing cars, washing clothes etc. Like a house wife. More likely i'll spend the day lazying ard and sleeping - i love to sleep when i'm sleepy. Hate being waken up early. Outside i could go to gym, do grocery shopping, look for other pple's presents, fix my car, go to library get CDs and find books to read, find friends, go to beach, hang out...
But i find...fear and dread going out to face the outside world. Like rite now, i'm feeling uneasy abt tomorrow when i hav to go to long beach with frens and other pple i duno well. Maybe its also cos i have to swim too - but the thought of being out in the public amongst lots of unknown pple kinda...scare me. Not really scares me but makes me uneasy. I worry too much? Yea, there's all sorts of worries e.g. i hav to bare my tummy >__<" (cos i kinda made a pact to myself that ...if there's nothing good to show, i won't show it...unless i hav to when i go swimming etc...u know, i dun really wana spoil the nice scenery for the girls wif my tummy)...and hang out wif pple im not familiar wif? This is in comparison wif my friend who finds randomness interesting...whereas i find it worrisome.
So why do i say im hiding? I'm not really sure what i'm hiding from really. But i know i'm not facing something. Maybe i'm not yet up to facing the fact that this is a big yr and i need to work hard. Maybe its the fact that i need to improve and work on my lack of social skills and learn to interact better wif pple. But i'm unwilling to take the first step. I feel helpless and not sure how to start.
Its not like i try to keep to myself and wallow in my misery. I actually enjoy being by myself.
But i realise that i depend on pple too much. My family especially. The amount of stuff that i have to depend on mum for is scary. Where everything is, how i do stuff e.g. clean the kitchen, how i arrange my clothes, how i cook...how the car is run, how the bills r run, how the money is managed...everything!! I coudln't even turn on the switch for the hot water cylinder wifout help. She even sorts out car stuff. Its scary to imagine life wifout her. Cos she really simplifies life for me so much - by handling all those stuff. And so i'm running away from those "responsibility". This is where i dun feel "man" enoughh - like i don'tt have the shoulders to carry the weight of running the house - i am not capable of doing that! I get scared to take the car to the petrol station to check out the tires after someone told me they've become a bit flat and i shud check it out - cos i've never done it before and don't wana look like a fool (and get mocked for not knowing how to do it as a guy)...so i'm waiting for my brother to come over and do it for me. Dependence. I'm depending on dad still for my income and money that i spend.
I'm just a parasite leeching off my family!
No wonder when the parasite is removed from its host it curls up into a ball and wants to avoid the future.
Avoid the outside world - its like I carry the responsibility of social situations now. I guess this is exacerbated by me being invited to dinner at my neighbour's place last nite and at another of mum's friend's place last nite. Also dinners on other days have been provided by this other student neighbour of mum's too - who told me that they'll bring dinner to my doorsteps for me daily at 6pm, and told me to leave the dishes unwashed for them to pick up after i eat!! Made me sound like such a useless bum. Of cus i washed it and took it back to their house for them.
But the point i was trying to make was - i now also carry the responsibility of making and maintaining the social interactions that mum beautifully maintained. Its because of mum's namesake that i was able to be invited to all these dinners and food. And mum's the reason why thosee pple r so nice to me. Its not ME that they are trying to please - its mum! But mum is depending on me (in a way) to make a good impression and act appropriately - like bring a present or say whatever things i have to say...and act in a socially acceptable manner. Its not all that hard - but it made me realise - even wif my friends from now on - i can't just rely on a "friendly" or "nice" attitude now - i actually have to actively MAINTAIN "friendships" and associations wif pple thru talk, gifts, sharing things...and it all takes maintainence. Energy. And time.
I'm not sure i know how to do that. Like my brother and mum does.
And its scary. Constantly worry if i've said/done the right things - i end up speechless and i duno what's the most appropriate way to act.
I'm sure some of u r probably thinking "oh just be urself"...
Well i know that "just being myself" can sometimes be selfish and pple will talk behind ur backs abt you, especially when you act like everything is ok and cool wif you but its not. Like those pple who pretend they're really easy going but in fact they are the ones who really care abt stuff.
And then in comes the feeling i hate of being used. Being lied to. Being manipulated. So that pple get their own way. Especially when i have to consort to doing things that i didn't plan for. THat other pple want me to do.
So i rather be on my own. Away from all these things.
But i have to face them, dont' I?
I have to grow up?
...or else i'll end up like a certain someone i know...................=(
Recently, i think i'm starting to become like my other friend. Somehow feeling more withdrawn. Not enjoying social interactions all that much now. Time alone at home is quite...therapeutic. Well not really. But i "enjoy" the freedom. The loneliness, in a good way. Enjoy the peace of having the whole house to myself, doing exactly what i want at anytime. Maybe because its kinda fresh to me cos i m not usually alone at home that much.
Kinda set me tihnking cos i just got off the phone wif a fren just now. He's home alone too - and i was jus thinking - would i rather invite him over to dinner/go to his place to eat wif him...or stay home for dinner? If i cooked extra food would i invite other frens over? I dun think i will - i think i prefer to cook lots of food and all for myself - i'll just eat it over a few days! Cos i eat anytihng, and if food tastes ok i dun complain. I guess u can say that when eating wif other pple is nice - well it is - but i somehow seem to find solace in the solitude. I tihnk i'm hiding from somethhing.
Lets expand on that. Rite now i have this feeling that if i spend time by myself at home for the whole day, its wasted. I waste the day not enjoying the nice weather and sun outside, not interacting wif pple, not seeing the outside world, not keeping up with the play. Yet there's endless things i can do at home. Like vacuuming, sorting out my comptuer stuff, study, cleaning, even down to washing cars, washing clothes etc. Like a house wife. More likely i'll spend the day lazying ard and sleeping - i love to sleep when i'm sleepy. Hate being waken up early. Outside i could go to gym, do grocery shopping, look for other pple's presents, fix my car, go to library get CDs and find books to read, find friends, go to beach, hang out...
But i find...fear and dread going out to face the outside world. Like rite now, i'm feeling uneasy abt tomorrow when i hav to go to long beach with frens and other pple i duno well. Maybe its also cos i have to swim too - but the thought of being out in the public amongst lots of unknown pple kinda...scare me. Not really scares me but makes me uneasy. I worry too much? Yea, there's all sorts of worries e.g. i hav to bare my tummy >__<" (cos i kinda made a pact to myself that ...if there's nothing good to show, i won't show it...unless i hav to when i go swimming etc...u know, i dun really wana spoil the nice scenery for the girls wif my tummy)...and hang out wif pple im not familiar wif? This is in comparison wif my friend who finds randomness interesting...whereas i find it worrisome.
So why do i say im hiding? I'm not really sure what i'm hiding from really. But i know i'm not facing something. Maybe i'm not yet up to facing the fact that this is a big yr and i need to work hard. Maybe its the fact that i need to improve and work on my lack of social skills and learn to interact better wif pple. But i'm unwilling to take the first step. I feel helpless and not sure how to start.
Its not like i try to keep to myself and wallow in my misery. I actually enjoy being by myself.
But i realise that i depend on pple too much. My family especially. The amount of stuff that i have to depend on mum for is scary. Where everything is, how i do stuff e.g. clean the kitchen, how i arrange my clothes, how i cook...how the car is run, how the bills r run, how the money is managed...everything!! I coudln't even turn on the switch for the hot water cylinder wifout help. She even sorts out car stuff. Its scary to imagine life wifout her. Cos she really simplifies life for me so much - by handling all those stuff. And so i'm running away from those "responsibility". This is where i dun feel "man" enoughh - like i don'tt have the shoulders to carry the weight of running the house - i am not capable of doing that! I get scared to take the car to the petrol station to check out the tires after someone told me they've become a bit flat and i shud check it out - cos i've never done it before and don't wana look like a fool (and get mocked for not knowing how to do it as a guy)...so i'm waiting for my brother to come over and do it for me. Dependence. I'm depending on dad still for my income and money that i spend.
I'm just a parasite leeching off my family!
No wonder when the parasite is removed from its host it curls up into a ball and wants to avoid the future.
Avoid the outside world - its like I carry the responsibility of social situations now. I guess this is exacerbated by me being invited to dinner at my neighbour's place last nite and at another of mum's friend's place last nite. Also dinners on other days have been provided by this other student neighbour of mum's too - who told me that they'll bring dinner to my doorsteps for me daily at 6pm, and told me to leave the dishes unwashed for them to pick up after i eat!! Made me sound like such a useless bum. Of cus i washed it and took it back to their house for them.
But the point i was trying to make was - i now also carry the responsibility of making and maintaining the social interactions that mum beautifully maintained. Its because of mum's namesake that i was able to be invited to all these dinners and food. And mum's the reason why thosee pple r so nice to me. Its not ME that they are trying to please - its mum! But mum is depending on me (in a way) to make a good impression and act appropriately - like bring a present or say whatever things i have to say...and act in a socially acceptable manner. Its not all that hard - but it made me realise - even wif my friends from now on - i can't just rely on a "friendly" or "nice" attitude now - i actually have to actively MAINTAIN "friendships" and associations wif pple thru talk, gifts, sharing things...and it all takes maintainence. Energy. And time.
I'm not sure i know how to do that. Like my brother and mum does.
And its scary. Constantly worry if i've said/done the right things - i end up speechless and i duno what's the most appropriate way to act.
I'm sure some of u r probably thinking "oh just be urself"...
Well i know that "just being myself" can sometimes be selfish and pple will talk behind ur backs abt you, especially when you act like everything is ok and cool wif you but its not. Like those pple who pretend they're really easy going but in fact they are the ones who really care abt stuff.
And then in comes the feeling i hate of being used. Being lied to. Being manipulated. So that pple get their own way. Especially when i have to consort to doing things that i didn't plan for. THat other pple want me to do.
So i rather be on my own. Away from all these things.
But i have to face them, dont' I?
I have to grow up?
...or else i'll end up like a certain someone i know...................=(
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