Yea I know - I havn't blogged much lately. Its funny tho - its not like i don't have the chance to blog. I do in the computer rooms - but its jus really hard for me to think of sometihng creative, or something from inside to talk abt. When there's pple sitting ard me all the time. I feel really dumb talking abt stuff like that wif pple ard me. Guess at home i have the privacy of having the whole of upstairs to myself and don't have to worry abt weird pple looking ard and getting distracted when they do talk to me.
What's on my mind now? Well...at the moment I'm critising myself inside for being such a hypocrite. What is it you ask. Just thinking back to the events last few days, the whole week - which culminated in mum nagging me all thru dinner jus now.
Lets start from last nite. I was talking to vivi on the net, wel, not really chatting, i was jus lazing ard and also feeling really tired and sleepy. And then my mum's friend came along and she asked him to sell our car for us. (which again makes me feel so useless cos i don't know how to sell cars and mum hav to depend on other pple to sell cars. And she keeps saying if my bro is here he would take over....) Anyhows, she called me down to say hi to them, u know, like asian parents do. I can't remember what i was doing exactly at the time, but feeling drained, i didn't hav the patience to talk to those pple - knowing they'r gona ask me those typical questions and drag on for ages. I guess my mum really wanted me to go down and support her and say thanks to them and encourage them to sell the car for us at the highest price. And i was being such a drag and thinking more abt myself and my tiredness.
And my mum interprets this as proud - saying that i've become more proud recently. Have I? Do i look down on other pple...?I don't know eh - in my imagination, how does someone know if they are proud themselves? Has my attitude changed that much? Yesterday, it was more like i can't be stuffed talking to them cos i was really tired and not in the mood to be social, but not cos i thot they were lowly car mechanics and not cool enough to talk to me? Altho mum certainly thinks that i'm more interested in what i'm doing to help her out. Which again, is true to a certain extent. Ai...
So how does this make me a hypocrite? I was having discussion with dha abt how we shud love the ones who loves us, instead of spending time wif other random pple we don't care abt but try to impress - e.g. go out wif useless pple. And now while i'm home i don't even do the right things, more engrossed wif my studies and whatever else i get up to...(sleeping, using internet to bum ard, waste time...)
I duno abt u guys, but sometimes - i get this "pang" of love - and i really feel like this person is important to me and i need to treat that person right. And i will do everything to make that person feel good. But sometimes, that "love" is jus lacking and i can't be stuffed - its almost like i hav to make myself do even the most mundane things, if its jus slightly out of my way.
so selfish---can't stand myself sometimes...
So here i am, i'm supposed to be spending quality time at home treating mum right and being happy - but instead i'm being nagged at and all i wana think abt is how to get away from the nag. I'm even thinking that it mite b nicer to live in waikato cos no one to control what i do. Like - when i go jogging, when i do this, when i do that. I guess i'm quite enjoying the freedom i have there - doing what i wana do at whatever times.
Yea I know - there's often times when im living alone, when i think - how nice it is if i have someone to live with - someone to care abt where i'm going and someone to eat wif me and someone to cook for me. And of cus there's not gona b anyone who'll wait for me to hav dinner jus cos i want to go running b4 dinner or if i'm not hungry yet and wana eat later...
mum's doing all the work at home and around the home and all the other stuff and i'm being such an irresponsible baby....><"
Guess rite now i'm in a VERY antisocial mood. Was at ACMA BBQ today at outwaite park - lots of new pple came along - the 4th yr malaysian students, the new 3rd yr students, the NEW 2nd yr students. In the end i always ended up chatting to pple i'm familiar to already - my friends etc - and never really talked to new pple. Wel, i did - talked to this malaysian girl Li who...i think is real flirty and duno, even tho out of the random pple i talked to her the most, i didn't like how she projects herself...duno, jus my gut feeling. Anyway - another girl in 4th yr transferred frm otago, and talked to Jason from 6th yr (whom i'm seen many times but never chatted to)...that's practically it! I didn't even talk to the malaysian students from my class that much. My thought process and reaction is like:
I see new pple --> I get nervous --> I don't introduce myself --> I walk away
OR
I see new pple --> they are chatting in a group --> I don't wana disturb them --> I walk away
OR
I see new pple --> one of my friends is talking to them --> should i join them? --> but i don't wana disturb my friends' conversation --> but if i do, i don't know what to say to them --> I walk away
OR
I see new pple --> I say hi --> I ask them what yr they'r in --> I run out of things to say OR I can't be stuffed talking abt the same stuff again (like i'm a 5th yr, clinical attachments is cool, i'm in waikato now, i'mdoing kids, yes children are so cute....A@$#$$%^$) --> i find an excuse --> I walk away.
So yea - as you can see - i didn't talk to many new pple at all. Its getting worse every yr. Most of the time , I see new pple - i jus wana clam up and go hide. Jus can't bring myself up to talk to them. Its like - what do i talk abt...?? i duno......really sociophobic these days...
All I wana do is to curl up and go to sleep....forget abt the world......
What's on my mind now? Well...at the moment I'm critising myself inside for being such a hypocrite. What is it you ask. Just thinking back to the events last few days, the whole week - which culminated in mum nagging me all thru dinner jus now.
Lets start from last nite. I was talking to vivi on the net, wel, not really chatting, i was jus lazing ard and also feeling really tired and sleepy. And then my mum's friend came along and she asked him to sell our car for us. (which again makes me feel so useless cos i don't know how to sell cars and mum hav to depend on other pple to sell cars. And she keeps saying if my bro is here he would take over....) Anyhows, she called me down to say hi to them, u know, like asian parents do. I can't remember what i was doing exactly at the time, but feeling drained, i didn't hav the patience to talk to those pple - knowing they'r gona ask me those typical questions and drag on for ages. I guess my mum really wanted me to go down and support her and say thanks to them and encourage them to sell the car for us at the highest price. And i was being such a drag and thinking more abt myself and my tiredness.
And my mum interprets this as proud - saying that i've become more proud recently. Have I? Do i look down on other pple...?I don't know eh - in my imagination, how does someone know if they are proud themselves? Has my attitude changed that much? Yesterday, it was more like i can't be stuffed talking to them cos i was really tired and not in the mood to be social, but not cos i thot they were lowly car mechanics and not cool enough to talk to me? Altho mum certainly thinks that i'm more interested in what i'm doing to help her out. Which again, is true to a certain extent. Ai...
So how does this make me a hypocrite? I was having discussion with dha abt how we shud love the ones who loves us, instead of spending time wif other random pple we don't care abt but try to impress - e.g. go out wif useless pple. And now while i'm home i don't even do the right things, more engrossed wif my studies and whatever else i get up to...(sleeping, using internet to bum ard, waste time...)
I duno abt u guys, but sometimes - i get this "pang" of love - and i really feel like this person is important to me and i need to treat that person right. And i will do everything to make that person feel good. But sometimes, that "love" is jus lacking and i can't be stuffed - its almost like i hav to make myself do even the most mundane things, if its jus slightly out of my way.
so selfish---can't stand myself sometimes...
So here i am, i'm supposed to be spending quality time at home treating mum right and being happy - but instead i'm being nagged at and all i wana think abt is how to get away from the nag. I'm even thinking that it mite b nicer to live in waikato cos no one to control what i do. Like - when i go jogging, when i do this, when i do that. I guess i'm quite enjoying the freedom i have there - doing what i wana do at whatever times.
Yea I know - there's often times when im living alone, when i think - how nice it is if i have someone to live with - someone to care abt where i'm going and someone to eat wif me and someone to cook for me. And of cus there's not gona b anyone who'll wait for me to hav dinner jus cos i want to go running b4 dinner or if i'm not hungry yet and wana eat later...
mum's doing all the work at home and around the home and all the other stuff and i'm being such an irresponsible baby....><"
Guess rite now i'm in a VERY antisocial mood. Was at ACMA BBQ today at outwaite park - lots of new pple came along - the 4th yr malaysian students, the new 3rd yr students, the NEW 2nd yr students. In the end i always ended up chatting to pple i'm familiar to already - my friends etc - and never really talked to new pple. Wel, i did - talked to this malaysian girl Li who...i think is real flirty and duno, even tho out of the random pple i talked to her the most, i didn't like how she projects herself...duno, jus my gut feeling. Anyway - another girl in 4th yr transferred frm otago, and talked to Jason from 6th yr (whom i'm seen many times but never chatted to)...that's practically it! I didn't even talk to the malaysian students from my class that much. My thought process and reaction is like:
I see new pple --> I get nervous --> I don't introduce myself --> I walk away
OR
I see new pple --> they are chatting in a group --> I don't wana disturb them --> I walk away
OR
I see new pple --> one of my friends is talking to them --> should i join them? --> but i don't wana disturb my friends' conversation --> but if i do, i don't know what to say to them --> I walk away
OR
I see new pple --> I say hi --> I ask them what yr they'r in --> I run out of things to say OR I can't be stuffed talking abt the same stuff again (like i'm a 5th yr, clinical attachments is cool, i'm in waikato now, i'mdoing kids, yes children are so cute....A@$#$$%^$) --> i find an excuse --> I walk away.
So yea - as you can see - i didn't talk to many new pple at all. Its getting worse every yr. Most of the time , I see new pple - i jus wana clam up and go hide. Jus can't bring myself up to talk to them. Its like - what do i talk abt...?? i duno......really sociophobic these days...
All I wana do is to curl up and go to sleep....forget abt the world......
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