Abandon

The famous 12 Apostles, Great Ocean Road, Melbourne, VIC, Australia

So I was taking this stupid commercialised tickle test about "What's behind my emotions"

Apparently i base my emotions on loyalty:

"In other words, your uncompromisingly loyal nature directly affects how, and how often, you experience certain feelings.For example, your test results indicate that you're most fulfilled when you can connect on a meaningful level with friends, family, and others in your community. That factor is directly related to your fundamental belief in loyalty and the range of emotions it triggers"

Uncompromisingly loyal nature huh...

not really sure what that means.

But I really am most fulfilled when I connect with people. Just sharing things we all enjoy, things we are involved in, sharing events of my past, even just bitching about life, having similar experiences and emotions.

Did i mention that i love it when people share their lives with me?

Maybe its the sense of emptiness i have with myself, I am constantly trying to fill it up. I feel like i have to fill it up. otherwise i'm wasting time.

But somehow i'm not filling it up with my own experiences, doings etc - I grab onto other people's dreams, stories, ideas, life - and i shape them into my own experiences, dreams... I've been doing this for as long as i can remember - and i've mentioned this on more than 1 occasions too - and somehow, it just seems wrong to me.

However I have no idea what else to do since its always been this way.

....this sidetopic aside, I am gripped, quite often, by the sense of abandonment.

What have i got to lose? You may wonder.

Well I wonder too.

Part of it is the unsettledness this whole year has been. From spending 3 months in Hamilton (and even shifting places while i was down there), to living in Australia, and coming home, and living in hospital for a major part of my holidays when mum was admitted. Even in the last summer holidays i was flying from NZ to Singapore to Taiwan to Japan to Macau to China and back to singapore and NZ. And now i face moving to hamilton again, fingers crossed i pass my exams, in a few weeks.

I know i enjoy most going to those places i mentioned above.

However it also made me realise the roads ahead of me.

Distance, is really a relationship killer.

So many relationships i've seen, experienced, been a major part of, been a minor part of, has been disintergrated by distance. And its no surprise that it happened as well. And people move on from their lives. And the funny thing also, is that this separation happend gradually. By the time I realised that our links have been dissolved and the feelings gone - its already...gone.

They have moved on with their lives.

What does it feel to lose something really precious?

I keep asking myself that. Randomly played scenarios in my head, imagining, against my own advice, the shock i would be in. And i can imagine the utter helplessness and abandonment, the lost of hope ...hell basically, lost.

I'll be lost...and damned if i know what the loss is then i wouldn't be lost anymore would i?

And then there's the fear of moving on.

People moving on without me. This may sound like an old issue and i can assure, to you's if i've mentioned it to you before, that this is slightly different. What hurts, is that I get caught up with my own hopes and dreams of the future that the present - well, i just can't handle the present.

Hows' this different from before, you may ask. I was scared that people i care and love will on without me. Funny, for the most part, i have learnt the skill of letting go. What's bothering me now is that I'm scared, fearful, mortified, about WHO is going to abandon me in the future. And that includes people whom i haven't even met yet. Or get to know.

Maybe even to the point that I mite as well abandon them now to save myself from the pain...nah...

Holding on to something that doesn't belong to you.

Holding on to something that you know will slip away from your hand.

Even if something enjoys being in your hand, and that something treasures your hand after they've left.

Its painfully heartbreaking.

So, i fear putting of things onto my hand.

But yet, I can't stand the emptyness of my hands.

I know everyone has to deal with empty hands at some stage. Something just aren't meant to stay in your hands. Somethings, even if they may be glued to your hands, can be cruelly torn away, taking part of you with them.

I'm also scared of being the abandon-er. Being so afraid of being abandoned, the last thing i want to do is to abandon others.

And yet, i may have to be selfish to do what i want to do?

So, this world, is another cycle of abandonment?

the Gorge, Great Ocean Road, Melbourne, VIC, Australia

I need to find security. My own Gorge. Where the waves that roll in belongs to me. Where tall cliffs surround. Where secret cave is revealed in peace. Where the opening is bright.

Where life would want to visit and never leave again

.......................................................................................

1 more exam ahead. Thanks again to friend for da filling me in with the resolution of your issues thurs nite. Thanks to friend for recommending the great ocean road trip, where i was able to enjoy the beautiful scenery.

Watching those apostles,broken down by the sea, my heart breaks too.