Deep seated denial?
I feel crap for a variety of reasons.
Generally they can be broken down into:
1. Something that makes me feel sad, hopeless, worthless, useless
Happens particularly after reading certain stories that i react to
2. A multitude of things that happened
e.g. crap day at work + crap story + annoyed at someone
3. A whole load of crap, things that bug me constantly, low-level stress
e.g. many long term planning things overdue, not organised yet, long term unresolved feelings/dreams that seem unachievable, self-disappointment at uselessness etc
Its no.3 thats been bugging me.
Which means i dun really know whats wrong.
Something leaves me unsatisfied
:Like for example, I feel very satisfied about what i've been able to do for the last few weeks in the hospital, i feel that things have been going relatively well and everyone's been nice to me and i've seen many things
:But i fear, stress about which consultant i shud approach for assessment and reference (one more friendly, the other is director and more powerful but saw me less)
:I fear that my reg who has been really nice to me, is only nice to me cos i told him i didn't enjoy surgery before and him, being a dedicated surgeon, is trying to sell surgery to me. Not because he thinks I m worth teaching.
:A lot of the time i can't answer his questions.
:when i hang out with them (being the house officers/regs), i play the quiet role of being silent, cos i dun really know how to add to the conversation (i only know the other regs by face, n they dun really talk to me - i know, i shud initiate conversation...i jus duno how to)
:I can't help but make comparisons. Like, i'd imagine, if it was e.g. ritwik in my place, he'll get along so much better with my reg (both indian, both surgery fanatics, both increadibly clever, fast, knows how to suck up, is up with the "popular" culture).
And i know, after multiple advices from friends, that all i can do is to be myself. Because that's wat i shud be the best at. Trying to be someone else doesn't always work. Pple see thru it, you'r not happy, they think you'r fake...
Things that make me feel useless:
We were walking back from the cafe the other day, down the stairs, where the whole wall is painted into a sea with dolphins and fishes etc. Its quite pretty. Apparently that was done by morgan, one of the surgical regs. Holy shit i thot. Not that i m surprised that he can paint, but...he's a surgical reg! that means longs days, 70hr weeks, no sleep, no life...
But here he is - painting the whole wall! its a huge wall, and its quite well done too! And he did another picture outside operation theatre's changing room too. Plus he's married, has a kid, and if i may say so, he's pretty good looking and looks like he's in shape.
And my ex-house officer. My classmate's sister. She's another future surgeon - she's already planned out when she's gona be doing her BST exam, she wakes up at 500am 2 mornings a week to train for some waka race, complete with gymming after work 2 nights a week, and she's able to handle the stress of the job and fit in such a tight schedule - and play netball in the weekends...And my consultant is so impressed that he's already offered her a job later when she wants to be registrar...
And here i m, dun even know what i want to do.
Pitiful...
Generally they can be broken down into:
1. Something that makes me feel sad, hopeless, worthless, useless
Happens particularly after reading certain stories that i react to
2. A multitude of things that happened
e.g. crap day at work + crap story + annoyed at someone
3. A whole load of crap, things that bug me constantly, low-level stress
e.g. many long term planning things overdue, not organised yet, long term unresolved feelings/dreams that seem unachievable, self-disappointment at uselessness etc
Its no.3 thats been bugging me.
Which means i dun really know whats wrong.
Something leaves me unsatisfied
:Like for example, I feel very satisfied about what i've been able to do for the last few weeks in the hospital, i feel that things have been going relatively well and everyone's been nice to me and i've seen many things
:But i fear, stress about which consultant i shud approach for assessment and reference (one more friendly, the other is director and more powerful but saw me less)
:I fear that my reg who has been really nice to me, is only nice to me cos i told him i didn't enjoy surgery before and him, being a dedicated surgeon, is trying to sell surgery to me. Not because he thinks I m worth teaching.
:A lot of the time i can't answer his questions.
:when i hang out with them (being the house officers/regs), i play the quiet role of being silent, cos i dun really know how to add to the conversation (i only know the other regs by face, n they dun really talk to me - i know, i shud initiate conversation...i jus duno how to)
:I can't help but make comparisons. Like, i'd imagine, if it was e.g. ritwik in my place, he'll get along so much better with my reg (both indian, both surgery fanatics, both increadibly clever, fast, knows how to suck up, is up with the "popular" culture).
And i know, after multiple advices from friends, that all i can do is to be myself. Because that's wat i shud be the best at. Trying to be someone else doesn't always work. Pple see thru it, you'r not happy, they think you'r fake...
Things that make me feel useless:
We were walking back from the cafe the other day, down the stairs, where the whole wall is painted into a sea with dolphins and fishes etc. Its quite pretty. Apparently that was done by morgan, one of the surgical regs. Holy shit i thot. Not that i m surprised that he can paint, but...he's a surgical reg! that means longs days, 70hr weeks, no sleep, no life...
But here he is - painting the whole wall! its a huge wall, and its quite well done too! And he did another picture outside operation theatre's changing room too. Plus he's married, has a kid, and if i may say so, he's pretty good looking and looks like he's in shape.
And my ex-house officer. My classmate's sister. She's another future surgeon - she's already planned out when she's gona be doing her BST exam, she wakes up at 500am 2 mornings a week to train for some waka race, complete with gymming after work 2 nights a week, and she's able to handle the stress of the job and fit in such a tight schedule - and play netball in the weekends...And my consultant is so impressed that he's already offered her a job later when she wants to be registrar...
And here i m, dun even know what i want to do.
Pitiful...
mmm thought I'l leave a comment!
ReplyDeleteFirstly I'm a bit confused why this bit of your blog is called deep seated denial...when you seem to be pouring your mind out...you don't seem to be denying anything:)
Secondly if you were ritwik (thank god you're not) you would be friends with phil insul ( yikes) and we would'nt be you're friends!
Thirdly why are you always comparing yourself to ppl whom you think are better than you? you can also compare yourself to ppl who didn't finish school, never got into uni and are earning next to nothing...
And finally when I tell you how unsatisfied i feel at times in hospital...instead of telling me to go home and be happy...you should probably think of what you just wrote in this blog:)