Ultimate Pessimist

Lost.

I've stranded myself somewhere.

I want to run away.

Just go sit on a beach somewhere.

But i'm probably too chicken to do that too.

Its like I am too scared to take the next step, too scared to even lift my feet.

And i'm not really lost, since i can see the direction i'm supposed to be heading.

But, as one of the scrub nurses is telling me today abt the traps he encountered in the vietnam war, the path is filled with traps. Those covered holes with spiked bamboos in them, ready to pierce up someone's foot.

I m scared about walking down that path.

And you know what

I'm scared to talk about why i'm scared.

Or what i'm scared about

Because, I feel that if i talk about it, if i let it out, it'll b all over.

I'll screw it up.

And if i don't talk about it, then i "can't" screw it up.

So i won't "hurt" if i did screw it up.

And so, when i find myself incompetent to walk down the path i embarked on, what do i do?

I dig myself a hole.

And then i contemplate my dreams. And i look at how other pple live life. And i see my own lack of life. I get fascinated about how other pple live their lifes.

Its just so sad that i become more emotional about other people's happenings that i do with my own life.

And you know what.

Everyone has their own world. Their own schedule, plan, dreams, friends, thoughts, emotions...

Their own life.

Because, i find that, I usually get let down when i try to include others in my own world.

The ones that i try to let into my world, they leave before they disembark from the plane.

Maybe its all me. Me stopping me.

Maybe its my perception that's in disagreement......................

Or its more likely that i'm just confused............