Getting old

(note: started this on 15/12/04 but didn't finish this)

I'm not a kid anymore!

Singapore is so hot. And humid. Woke up this morning at ard 9am, went out to take a run ard east coast park. Man - it was a nice track along the beach and stuff, but it was so humid!! i was DRIPPING there. Man i think i must hav leaked so much water cos i was kinda bordering on heat stroke or something - u know, feeling a bit faint and stuff. OH on that topic i think i betta go drink something to refill my fluids....

So now i drank 2 cups of water...

Yea so i was running along - basically ard the same distance as last nite when i ran from st patrick's to bayshore(along marine parade rd) ...i estimate the distance ard 1km...took me like....10min? very short only...but im totally out of breath. Not only that - but i feel giddy too. Like from all the heat ard me - i think my concentration is all used up for cooling myself. So baD!! that's like 1/4 of the distance i usually run on a good day in akl!! i'm so crappy.

Anyways today i walked over to east coast park frm st patricks' and started running along the beach. Nice, but again, the heat. Started off pretty well when i'm not sweating, but pretty soon i'm like dead. MaNaged to get to the bayshore exit, went there, and started walking along back on east coast rd. Wanted to run most of the way but was so dead....ending up basically walking home (with a few half-hearted attempts at joggin in btwn).

So i got back and jumped into the swimming pool. Man that was the pool i spent lots of childhood in eh - well not lots but quite often. Getting into the pool, i can remember the times i cut my foot from the tiles along the pool side, the times the water got into my eyes/nose (like it did when i got in...) and the times i spent playing wif my watergun and my flippers (man i could really swim with those=P) and playing wif my frens and even my brother's friends. Of cus the next thought as i got into the 2m end of the pool was "holy shit i can't swim".... i mean i COULD swim but i seem to have lost that skill - cos before i know it, water was going up my nose and i was sinking to the bottom. ><"

So not used to the water. I think the last time i was in a swimming pool (note: not a water themepark or spa pool) was like....duno when? But it was nice to be back there again, and alone too. Just to relax u know - cos i m totally useless in water now. took me a few min to figure out the basic moves to swim frog style and free style, and then i realise that i'm not breathing in btw strokes too so...=.=" no wonder...haha

And i feel so unco. Totally not efficient in the water anymore. Aii...made me regret the amount of time wasted when i was little - i could hav continued those swimming lessons and be a ok swimmer of some sort, u know? now i'm useless. i'm almost a non-swimmer at all who can't even survive in water. aii...

I tried diving to the shallow floor(1.2m end) and my ears poped and water went into my nose. STUPID!

I tried going to the deeper 2m end and ended up a bit scared...STUPID!

I tried to float and i sank...STUPID!!

That's when i realised...SHIT!! i m not a kid anymore! When i was little i had so little problem floating on my back - i mean i jus had to flip over and i stay there. Now? its like i'm so much denser - can't stay afloat! my middle starts sinking. Can't help it. I used to laugh at the adults for not being to float up on the water -but now i CANT!!! its not possible anyway. Its so saddening. I kept wondering - wHY?? is it because my bones have become denser ? (cartilage --> bone) ? i'm heavier and fatter now? my body composition somehow different? different distribution of body weight? Maybe everything together or something, but i can't float! THis sucks...floating is nice - i can stare at the sky and comtemplate the whole ard me...

So...what the hell was i completating when i was afloat there?
I was wondering what self confidence is.
I floated there trying to figure out:
What is self confidence
When am I confident
What makes me confident/not confident and Why does it make me confident
How do I achieve confidence

Of cus i havn't got any answers yet. I was planning on typing the blog and figuring it out as i type - but as i type this now, its 2 days after the day at the swimming pool and ...well......so i'll try figure it out soon, when i have some time to sit down and relax and do nothing =) probably in taiwan when i get the chance. When pple are walking in n out of da room at the moment its kinda hard to think things.

The other thing i was pondering abt was friendship. I looked at the square pattern of the small tiles that paves the swimming pool and I starting thinking...If i was at the centre of the squares, and I allocated the pple closest to me ard me...and outwards as i allocate the places to pple in my life ard me...

MAN it was then i realise...there's so little ppl in my life that i would actually wana consider them as having a place in my life!! I left out those acquaintances cos they dun mean anything anyway - and what m i left with!? so...the conclusion is that...i hang ard more wif acquaintances these days, which sucks cos it feels like i'm wasting my time, investing time and energy in something that i don't care abt and is not beneficial to me!? sounds so stupid!!! And the thing i'm most scared of - hang out wif those acquaitances - pretty soon all my frens r gona desert me and i'll b left with nothing....just like a certain someone i know in my life that i will endeaver to make sure i don't end up like him.......aiii.....

But it was nice in the pool.

got more to say...but will leave it for the moment =)

(finished 17/12/04)