Self
These days it seems like I all I do is complain about being fat, and go out and eat and eat. Like how i'm gonna be going out to dinner again tonite (after having a massice yum-char), even tho i'm not feeling hungry at all.
Its funny isn't it. I just realised that I'm trying to fill the emptyness in my heart by filling up my stomach. Trust me - doesn't work. Physical fullness only creates more emptiness. Well, mayb not total emptiness cos i am grateful that i am still being fed all these grass.
So y m i constantly complaining? Duno really. Just feel like I need to. I hate complaining to anyone in particular so I complain to the blog, its like complaining to myself.
I am in no mood watsoever to study rite now. And i shud be.
If I complain to someone about all the stuff I said in the blog below, their typical response is something along the lines of "oh you are friendly and nice and so that attracts people to you and that's what counts". I bet whoever is reading probably has that phrase right on the lips alrady.
But understand this - its hard being someone who you don't want to be. Somehow I managed to convince myself that I don't look the way I do and i get disappointed whenever i look into the mirror. Maybe its cos i don't look at the mirror enough for me to really realise who I really am, but I always seem to portray myself in my mind as some other person. Dun ask me who, what, why but that's just the way it has been.
And so that is what i want to achieve.
Maybe its impossible. THat's y exercising and shit makes me feel good after I've done it cos it feels like i'm working towards my dream. But it also makes me realise that a dream is just a dream.
And here i am at the age of 20. Supposed to be living my life to the fullest. But i think the only full thing rite now is my tummy. Supposed to be having the time of my life, creatig memories for me to look back on in future years and reminise in their warmth. Somehow all i have now is this empty sinking feeling that I'm not getting anywhere and I'm going to grow old and grey before i even realise it. And that is not helped when people think i'm 33 and married with 2 kids. (and this is NOT an exaggeration) Which means when i'm actually 30 i'll be 50 years old. Like just now someone thot I was my mum's husband. Yea laugh hard if you think that's funny.
My brother can look back at his uni life and point out what has been the high point thru his 4 years at UoA. I've nearly done 4 years now. Looking back - what is my high point? I can identify all these low points and how i struggled thru it. Oh yea. High point? still waiting for that to happen. And as some of u are probably thinking now - u r not gona get wat u want by waiting. a part of me knows that.
Someone said all this stems from the lack of self confidence?
How am i supposed to be self-confident if "self" doesn't exist?
what is self?
What defines self?
Self is defined in relation to others.
Paradoxical.
Its funny isn't it. I just realised that I'm trying to fill the emptyness in my heart by filling up my stomach. Trust me - doesn't work. Physical fullness only creates more emptiness. Well, mayb not total emptiness cos i am grateful that i am still being fed all these grass.
So y m i constantly complaining? Duno really. Just feel like I need to. I hate complaining to anyone in particular so I complain to the blog, its like complaining to myself.
I am in no mood watsoever to study rite now. And i shud be.
If I complain to someone about all the stuff I said in the blog below, their typical response is something along the lines of "oh you are friendly and nice and so that attracts people to you and that's what counts". I bet whoever is reading probably has that phrase right on the lips alrady.
But understand this - its hard being someone who you don't want to be. Somehow I managed to convince myself that I don't look the way I do and i get disappointed whenever i look into the mirror. Maybe its cos i don't look at the mirror enough for me to really realise who I really am, but I always seem to portray myself in my mind as some other person. Dun ask me who, what, why but that's just the way it has been.
And so that is what i want to achieve.
Maybe its impossible. THat's y exercising and shit makes me feel good after I've done it cos it feels like i'm working towards my dream. But it also makes me realise that a dream is just a dream.
And here i am at the age of 20. Supposed to be living my life to the fullest. But i think the only full thing rite now is my tummy. Supposed to be having the time of my life, creatig memories for me to look back on in future years and reminise in their warmth. Somehow all i have now is this empty sinking feeling that I'm not getting anywhere and I'm going to grow old and grey before i even realise it. And that is not helped when people think i'm 33 and married with 2 kids. (and this is NOT an exaggeration) Which means when i'm actually 30 i'll be 50 years old. Like just now someone thot I was my mum's husband. Yea laugh hard if you think that's funny.
My brother can look back at his uni life and point out what has been the high point thru his 4 years at UoA. I've nearly done 4 years now. Looking back - what is my high point? I can identify all these low points and how i struggled thru it. Oh yea. High point? still waiting for that to happen. And as some of u are probably thinking now - u r not gona get wat u want by waiting. a part of me knows that.
Someone said all this stems from the lack of self confidence?
How am i supposed to be self-confident if "self" doesn't exist?
what is self?
What defines self?
Self is defined in relation to others.
Paradoxical.
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