Lazy and Confused
I chose sleep over going for a run today. Damn my determination is dropping. NOt good not good.
Nothing much happened today. Redid the dressing on that keanu reeves guy, oh and i did cryotherapy on this girl too, so was able to play ard with liquid nitrogen. Apparently we are supposed to apply the liquid nitrogen to the girl till it hurts, to get rid of the warts on her hands. Oh and I also managed to observe a cervical smear today. Besides that nothing much really happened.
I can't ask questions. Someone came in today asking for a Morning after pill. So my next question was "so, why do you need to morning after pill?" ....and her answer was "why do u think?!?!?" ..........=_______________="
I'm a bit nervous about my rural gp run next next monday. Its really exciting to go down to raetihi for 2 weeks - i'm sure it'll be a nice change and i'll learn lots. It'll b cool to go skiing if the fields are still open. But i'm going down with charlotte whom i barely know (she knows my face but doesn't know my name), barely spoken to her a few times in lectures. And I hate doing the having to know the person kinda thing. I duno - i only get the urge to want to get to know someone if they intrigue me in some way. I duno, i really wish i could do the rural gp like my other classmates, who went down with their friends. Like Vid and Lexi and LK are renting a flat for 2 weeks and living together. that sounds so fun. Well dun take it wrong i'm not complaining, charlotte even offered to drive, cos she cant' stand doing nothing for the 6 hrs drive. But I get really nervous about the getting to know someone part - u know, having to strike and keep up a conversation, try to say something funny to impress others, and the uncomfortable silence when you don't know what else to say. And what if she finds me annoying and we don't get along? THat'll b horrible!! Guess i'm just naturally pessimistic. Its kinda the same feeling that i get before going to a camp where i know absolutely no one. But a little scarier because there is only 1 other person. A bit better because I'm going down there to learn in the GP practice. OH and charlotte is a good sportsperson and good skiier while i've only ever skiied for 2 hours this yr (and probably forgotten by now)...
So that's my major worry for now.
And aside from that there's the constant nagging stress of exam study. Oh and the random GP assignment that I should do by this weekend too, except the only topic i can think of at the moment is to do with Amoebas and I don't really want to do my report on that. Guess I'll read around and make up a topic that'll help me with my exams at the same time.
I hate the feeling of not knowing exactly what I want. Sure, there's dreams. But I can't turn dreams into reality. And I hate the line you have to draw between dreams and reality. Aiming to achieve an impossible dream is a waste of time. It is unrealistic. But yet, some dreams are achievable. THey are the inspiration for me to work hard. They are my hope, my light at the end of the tunnel. But it is hard to determine what is achievable, what is not, and what requires sheer determination and hardwork. It is hard for me to imagine if i will be able to tolerate the stress and harwork that is required.
Take for example: I dream about being a surgeon.
Bad points: I hate the feeling of scrubbing in, and having to keep sterile - it make me into a fool. I am careless and is prone to make stupid mistakes. I become very stressful in the theatre, can't really think very well. Being a surgeon is hard work. The training is very hard. Long hours, many call days, have to live in different places for training. Aside from that, just GETTING into the training scheme is hard enough. And getting in doesn't mean that you can stay IN. If you are not accepted into an advanced training scheme within 4 years after getting into the basic training scheme, you get kicked out and basically have to start all over again. I am not like one of those typical surgical wannabees. I'm sure you guys have all seen the stereotypes: surgial people are the "cool" people - you know, like the "jocks" compared with the "nerds"(the medical people). That is somewhat true in real life. The people who wana do surgery are usually the "cool" people. They are all hardwokring, very socially capable, good skills etcetc. And may i say even good looking and fit and determined and they KNOW they want to do surgery and dedicate their careers to it. WHen i was in general surgery I didn't really enjoy what they were doing, partly cos the teams i were with weren't really friendly and I didn't enjoy my time there. Altho saying that I wasn't the most enthusiatic student and I should have been more proactive and I was slack as well. However I really enjoyed orthopaedics, maybe because I had a good team, but I think i enjoyed some of the operations they did too. However anatomy is probably one of my weakest areas - and anatomy is one of the most important aspects of surgery!!
Good points: I like the idea of being a surgeon, I like doing things with my hands but i'm very clumsy. I like it that surgery can fix many of the immediate problems but I hate the complications that come of some surgery - preventable or not preventable - they can cause quite debilitating problems.
So i think until i can add more to the good points list, maybe i shoudln't comtemplate a career in surgrey? Mind you I can probably include a similar negative list to all other specialties too. But i think the argument is convincing that the idea of being a surgeon , the dream of being a surgeon, is more appealing to me than actually wanting to become one. Does that mean I should work towards that? What if I'm really interested in sometihng else?
What is a dream anyway? Its something you fantasise. But when a fantasy comes "true", does it come true the way you imagined it would be? Or would i just replace it with another dream?
I hate this confusing feeling where I duno what i want.
I want the confidence of knowing my aim and working hard to achieve it.
I am sick of people that can't make up their minds about good or bad. Including myself.
Because I think we are the type that wants the easy way out. Sure we want the best of everything, but we dun want to do the hardwork behind it.
And i know i won't get anywhere with that attitude.
ihatethisihatethisihatethis......
stop being confused.....................................
Nothing much happened today. Redid the dressing on that keanu reeves guy, oh and i did cryotherapy on this girl too, so was able to play ard with liquid nitrogen. Apparently we are supposed to apply the liquid nitrogen to the girl till it hurts, to get rid of the warts on her hands. Oh and I also managed to observe a cervical smear today. Besides that nothing much really happened.
I can't ask questions. Someone came in today asking for a Morning after pill. So my next question was "so, why do you need to morning after pill?" ....and her answer was "why do u think?!?!?" ..........=_______________="
I'm a bit nervous about my rural gp run next next monday. Its really exciting to go down to raetihi for 2 weeks - i'm sure it'll be a nice change and i'll learn lots. It'll b cool to go skiing if the fields are still open. But i'm going down with charlotte whom i barely know (she knows my face but doesn't know my name), barely spoken to her a few times in lectures. And I hate doing the having to know the person kinda thing. I duno - i only get the urge to want to get to know someone if they intrigue me in some way. I duno, i really wish i could do the rural gp like my other classmates, who went down with their friends. Like Vid and Lexi and LK are renting a flat for 2 weeks and living together. that sounds so fun. Well dun take it wrong i'm not complaining, charlotte even offered to drive, cos she cant' stand doing nothing for the 6 hrs drive. But I get really nervous about the getting to know someone part - u know, having to strike and keep up a conversation, try to say something funny to impress others, and the uncomfortable silence when you don't know what else to say. And what if she finds me annoying and we don't get along? THat'll b horrible!! Guess i'm just naturally pessimistic. Its kinda the same feeling that i get before going to a camp where i know absolutely no one. But a little scarier because there is only 1 other person. A bit better because I'm going down there to learn in the GP practice. OH and charlotte is a good sportsperson and good skiier while i've only ever skiied for 2 hours this yr (and probably forgotten by now)...
So that's my major worry for now.
And aside from that there's the constant nagging stress of exam study. Oh and the random GP assignment that I should do by this weekend too, except the only topic i can think of at the moment is to do with Amoebas and I don't really want to do my report on that. Guess I'll read around and make up a topic that'll help me with my exams at the same time.
I hate the feeling of not knowing exactly what I want. Sure, there's dreams. But I can't turn dreams into reality. And I hate the line you have to draw between dreams and reality. Aiming to achieve an impossible dream is a waste of time. It is unrealistic. But yet, some dreams are achievable. THey are the inspiration for me to work hard. They are my hope, my light at the end of the tunnel. But it is hard to determine what is achievable, what is not, and what requires sheer determination and hardwork. It is hard for me to imagine if i will be able to tolerate the stress and harwork that is required.
Take for example: I dream about being a surgeon.
Bad points: I hate the feeling of scrubbing in, and having to keep sterile - it make me into a fool. I am careless and is prone to make stupid mistakes. I become very stressful in the theatre, can't really think very well. Being a surgeon is hard work. The training is very hard. Long hours, many call days, have to live in different places for training. Aside from that, just GETTING into the training scheme is hard enough. And getting in doesn't mean that you can stay IN. If you are not accepted into an advanced training scheme within 4 years after getting into the basic training scheme, you get kicked out and basically have to start all over again. I am not like one of those typical surgical wannabees. I'm sure you guys have all seen the stereotypes: surgial people are the "cool" people - you know, like the "jocks" compared with the "nerds"(the medical people). That is somewhat true in real life. The people who wana do surgery are usually the "cool" people. They are all hardwokring, very socially capable, good skills etcetc. And may i say even good looking and fit and determined and they KNOW they want to do surgery and dedicate their careers to it. WHen i was in general surgery I didn't really enjoy what they were doing, partly cos the teams i were with weren't really friendly and I didn't enjoy my time there. Altho saying that I wasn't the most enthusiatic student and I should have been more proactive and I was slack as well. However I really enjoyed orthopaedics, maybe because I had a good team, but I think i enjoyed some of the operations they did too. However anatomy is probably one of my weakest areas - and anatomy is one of the most important aspects of surgery!!
Good points: I like the idea of being a surgeon, I like doing things with my hands but i'm very clumsy. I like it that surgery can fix many of the immediate problems but I hate the complications that come of some surgery - preventable or not preventable - they can cause quite debilitating problems.
So i think until i can add more to the good points list, maybe i shoudln't comtemplate a career in surgrey? Mind you I can probably include a similar negative list to all other specialties too. But i think the argument is convincing that the idea of being a surgeon , the dream of being a surgeon, is more appealing to me than actually wanting to become one. Does that mean I should work towards that? What if I'm really interested in sometihng else?
What is a dream anyway? Its something you fantasise. But when a fantasy comes "true", does it come true the way you imagined it would be? Or would i just replace it with another dream?
I hate this confusing feeling where I duno what i want.
I want the confidence of knowing my aim and working hard to achieve it.
I am sick of people that can't make up their minds about good or bad. Including myself.
Because I think we are the type that wants the easy way out. Sure we want the best of everything, but we dun want to do the hardwork behind it.
And i know i won't get anywhere with that attitude.
ihatethisihatethisihatethis......
stop being confused.....................................
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